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Oct. 10th, 2007 @ 02:36 pm Time warp!
I cannot get on live journal anymore because it's blocked at work, but I'm at a different office today and it's not blocked on this network.

Anyway I like to read old journals and my one from 2004 is my update from love parade! LOL! What a crazy time that way. I hardly remembered it until I read that journal entry. lol It's weird because when I read old entries that envolve Andy I can see what a fucking ass hole he was, but I never really admitted it to myself at the time. There is always something negative in each one. Not that Dan is always a peach, but I am learning to speak my mind more when I'm unhappy and not let things go like I did back then. Plus Dan would never do the things that Andy did to me. Example...At love parade Andy went out to some club that never closes in San Fransico and did not come home until 8am and did not call or check in with me the entire time he was gone and I was so worried. Dan would never do that to me. Lucky for me, Dan doesn't like clubs. :)
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kissy
Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 08:07 pm disappointed
I can't get on live journal or bluelight at work anymore!

*cries*
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kissy
May. 18th, 2007 @ 08:18 am DD!
I made friends with this girl from craigslist that moved here from Louisiana in the fall and has yet to make any friends either because Cleveland is not friendly. Melissa and I have been emailing back and forth for a few months and I really started to like her. She's really sweet and her southern charm shines through even in her emails. She's also pregnant, which I find fascinating. I have a couple friends with kids, but no one I'm really close to, so I don't know much about being pregnant, since I was not really around during their pregnancies. Did you know that you can't take a really hot bath when you're pregnant? It makes sense, but I guess it's something I never thought of. You also can't go in a tanning bed. I was surprised by this because you wouldn't think that the UV could get to the baby. Maybe the heat is bad too.

I met Melissa at Crocker Park after work and we did a little shopping. First we met in Victoria's Secret. I desperately need new bras. I hate how the cheap ones always fall apart and lose their shape. My bras from Vickey's last forever. So I'm looking at some bras and the girl asks me what size I'm looking for. I told her I couldn't remember what size my other bra in this style was, but I thought it was a 38D. She asks if she can measure me, so I say sure. She measures me at a 38DD! I start laughing and say that all my bras are Ds and Cs. So then they bring me this HUGE bra that you could practically wear as a hat and I laugh and say that it's never going to fit me. They ask me to try it on anyway. To humor them, I try it on. Well...it fits. It's comfortable and looks so much better under my shirt than the bra I had on. Damn. 2 of the sales girls comment on how good it looks and I was amazed too, so I bought the full coverage body bra and some other push up one with skinnier straps, so I can wear it with a tank top. My boobs are HUGE!

Melissa and I had a great time. We had dinner at cheesecake factory and got along really well.

YAY friend!
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kissy
May. 14th, 2007 @ 01:24 pm Celebrating my mom and my malibu
Saturday after my horrendous math exam I headed home to be with my mom. When I got there, we headed to the mall and did a little shopping. We also drove through some car dealerships. I bought her a shirt that she really liked for mother's day. Then we went and had ribs at Famous Dave's. It was really good and we had a lot of fun just spending time together. Sunday morning we went and bought some plants for my grandma and my mom bought me a sensitive plant. The leaves curl in when you touch them or when the wind blows. It's cute. Then we picked up grandma and had brunch at the local country club. We had a nice meal and then went shopping. My grandma bought me a whole bunch of stuff. I felt bad because it was mother's day, not kids day, but she insisted.

My mom plans to help make a sizable down payment on a new car for me with the life insurance money since my car has 187,000 miles. haha It's definitely about to die. I will miss my malibu. It's been through many phases in my life.

When I first got it, I was a sophomore in college. I was living in founders with Anne, Angela, Heather, and Lori. I still thought I was going to graduate from college with a journalism degree.

Then Lori and I made countless trips to Toledo to get crazy almost every weekend at Sean and Jake's house and the Bijou.

Then the malibu started to go to raves. Every weekend we would go to either Columbus, Dayton, or Cincinnati.

Andy and I drove the malibu to NYC to party in Brooklyn when it turned 2003. Andy and I drove my car a lot because his car wasn't so great.

Then Andy moved and it was back and forth to Columbus.

In April of 2004 the malibu took Andy and I to Portland where we lived together until November when Andy and I broke up and I moved home. The malibu was shipped back on a semi and from then on out it sounded like an airplane for unknown reasons. Andy claims to have no knowledge of this.

For almost another year the malibu took me back and forth from my parents house to MCO to work until I met Dan.

Soon the I would be living in Cleveland and the malibu would take me back and forth from Cleveland to Toledo to visit my family.

Now, the malibu is old and tired. I think I might get another. :)
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kissy
May. 14th, 2007 @ 12:53 pm Gay Quiz

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid


I scored an average of 2.1



01 2 3 4 5
6

HeterosexualBisexual Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:


0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary


The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz
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kissy
May. 7th, 2007 @ 11:25 am 2 weeks?
Tomorrow it will already by 2 weeks since the accident. Week 1 passed so quickly, I didn't realize it had been a week until the next day. Time passes by so quickly. I still don't know how to feel or what to say when people talk to me about my dad's death. They ask me how I am and I reply that I'm "okay." Am I supposed to be okay or am I supposed to be a mess? I feel like okay is too good of a way to be considering the circumstances, but if I replied, "I'm bad...Sad...confused," would it really matter? I know people care how I am, but there really aren't words to describe my feelings. Usually I am okay, but I'm still confused. Where is he? Why did this happen? What are we supposed to do now? How should I REALLY be feeling? I just don't know. I guess "lost" would be an appropriate word.

Dan has been wonderful through all of this. He drove me to Toledo the night of the accident. He missed 2 days of classes. He was there. He also held me and made me feel more loved than I've felt from him in a long time. His love and compassion were guinuine and I felt guilty for ever doubting his love for me. There aren't words to describe his loyalty. I'm glad to have him and I'm glad that I've stuck it out when times were tough because he's worth it.

Life is just so messy and I wonder when I'll ever be able to catch a break and I wonder if anyone ever does.

This whole situation overrode weight watchers and I'm considering not doing it anymore. Yes, I did lose some weight, but I'm sick of logging points and keeping track and I was still cheating and just not logging it. What good does that do and what am I really paying for if I can't really do it? I know what I'm supposed to eat. I know about exercising and nutrition. I'm just lazy. I don't need to pay someone to tell me what to do. I'm just going to go it alone. I can't justify paying anyone to help me lose weight, unless it's liposuction. :)

The best thing about my life as of late is my sex life. I think it was Thursday or Friday, Dan and I had sex twice in one day. I couldn't tell you the last time we did that. Then we did it again the next day. Then last night he wanted it again. This may not be exciting to anyone else, but a few weeks ago we were going at least a week inbetween, so there's one positive thing.
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kissy
Apr. 27th, 2007 @ 12:03 pm Death
Current Mood: sad
Tuesday around 6:30 pm my dad was in a car accident and passed away. I really don't have time to write about everything I'm feeling right now, but I wanted those of you who read my journal to know. We've been really busy and this has just been more horrible than anything I've ever experienced.

Keep me in your thoughts.
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kissy
Apr. 23rd, 2007 @ 04:02 pm Almost time to go home!
Current Mood: bouncy
Today hasn't been that bad for a Monday. There was a part of the day where I was feeling grouchy, but I get to leave in about 15 minutes, so I'm excited and happy.

I had a really nice weekend. I took Friday off so could start packing, which I did not do. haha I cleaned out my car and then I took all of our unwanted crap to the thrift store. Then I took Henry to the dog park. Saturday, I got up early and did my math homework and then I went to school and had a math test. I think I did pretty well on it. It was the easiest one thus far. After that I went to the laundry mat and did a ton of laundry, which I have yet to put away. haha I took Henry to the dog park again. He was filthy, so I gave him a bath and that was about it for that day. Then Sunday Sarah (neighbor) and I took the dogs for a really long walk around the shaker lakes. I got some sun and we had a good time.

It was a very realaxing weekend, but now I need to get in gear and get this shit packed. Dan is going to take everything he can over to the new apartment on Thursday and then I'm going to take some stuff over on Friday and then Saturday the parents are going to help us move the big stuff.

I did my first day of week 2 for the 5k training. It wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. I'm excited that this running isn't killing me. haha I'm really starting to notice myself looking thinner. It's so exciting! I haven't ever really done a diet in my entire life, so this lifestyle change is exciting because it's actually paying off.
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kissy
Apr. 18th, 2007 @ 08:35 am grrrr...
Current Mood: dorky
I am grouchy today. I didn't really realize it until I got to work, so I probably just don't feel like working today. Kathy also came back on Monday. Her presence usually annoys me. She asked me if I wanted to car pool to the department meeting today. I can't really say no, but I'd rather not.

Let's talk about something that makes me happy.

-I found someone to sublet the apartment!
-We're moving into our new apartment on the 28th.
-I've lost 14.5 pounds since Christmas.
-Yesterday I completed day 2 of week one for my 5k training and it was much easier. I'm excited to become a runner!
-Dan and I are getting along really well and I'm happy overall.

I think I turned my bad mood around! woo hoo!
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kissy
Apr. 13th, 2007 @ 01:38 pm Still analyzing
Current Mood: hopeful
I hadn't had a chance to talk to Heather since a brief chat on Tuesday. She knew that Dan and I had made up, but I didn't really want to get into the whole things with her while Dan was sitting right there. Another reason I'm glad we're moving to a bigger apartment. There really is no privacy in the shit shack. Since she'd not had a propper update, she's still thinking of Monday when I was all over emotional and irrational and blowing everything out of proportion tell her that I was going to leave him and that I was miserable.

I'm not really as miserable as I was admitting to her. I was upset, but I have misconstrewed congative thoughts when I'm really upset or tired and in reality things are not that bad. So anyway, I was trying to explain that to her and she thought I was making excuses for Dan by blaming things on myself, which was NOT what was I was doing. I was making excuses for my behaviors and emotions on Monday.

She still isn't convinced that I'm happy and that Dan and I should be together. She said that I never say nice things about Dan and if I talk about him, they are usually negative things. I tried to explain to her that when you are with someone for a long time the fuzzy cutesy wears off. When once you would melt every time he looked in your direction or even touched your hands you would wet yourself, you get used to his presence. This is especially when you live with that person. It wears off twice as fast. I dated Andy for about a year before we moved in together and there was a definate difference in the romance after we were domestic partnerts. This is one regret about Dan and I moving in together so soon. We interupted out honeymoon period of our relationship and jumped right in to domestication. So now, I see him every day and I sleep in the same bed as him every night. We are poor, so we go few places, we are stressed, so we have few moments to gaze into eachother's eyes or even watch TV together.

She's never been with anyone for more than a year, so she doesn't know what happesn, plus her and Nick didn't live together that long before she wanted to kill him, so she can't possibly understand what reality it really like in a long term relationship.

In other news...I'm showing the apartment to 4 people on Sunday and 1 on Monday! I really hope someone takes it, so we can move out. :)
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kissy
Apr. 12th, 2007 @ 12:24 pm c25k
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: I'm walking on sunshine!
A lot of women on WW have done this program called c25k (couch to 5k). There are pod casts that guide you through 3 runs a week for 2 months. I guess it starts off pretty slow, but I've been told it's a great way to get you running. I can't imagine running 3 miles! I couldn't even jog 1 right now, but that's okay because I will. :)

Kathy has been gone since last Thursday. She's on a cruise and will return Monday, I think. It has been so peaceful here at work without her psycosis. She zips through here so fast sometimes it gives me chills because it's already cold in here and she sends a cold breeze by me with her zipping. You would think she would be thin seeing as nervous and spastic as she is. It seems like people with this personality are thin because they can't hold still and they're always anxious. That has to burn calories. People like me that are laid back tend to be heavier because we don't move much at all. :) It will be nice when working out becomes a part of my life.

For the first time since Chistmas I noticed a difference in my appearence. I'm wearing jeans that are usually a little too small. Not too bad today. My gut looks smaller in my profile. YAY!

I wore my hair in a pony tail today with a head band because I didn't get up early enough to take a shower this morning and I hate having my greasey hair on display. The mail man gave me this really surprised look when he walked in the office. He said, "wow, with your hair pulled back you look completely different." Now is that different bad, or different good? Should I start wearing my hair like this all the time or should I never do it again? If I ask him tomorrow will he remember? haha I should probably just let it go. :) I'll ask Dan what he thinks.

Tonight after school I'm meeting Amanda for dinner and then I'm picking up some stuff from the store. I can't even seem to buy enough to last for 2 weeks. Week 2 fruit would probably be nasty if I did that. Oh well.

I can't stop farting. Damn fiber. :(
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kissy
Apr. 10th, 2007 @ 10:47 am A different look at the situation.
Current Mood: optimistic
After I spoke with Heather yesterday and after I wrote my last entry I was still highly upset and moderately irrational. I have a bad habbit of blowing everything out of proportion when I'm upset. My feelings escalate and sometimes when I think back to what I was saying, it doesn't even make any sense and I don't feel that way anymore. That's why I usually toss these feelings to the irration side of things.

I cried all the way home and looked for the words I would use to tell Dan it was over. I came inside and started talking and to him and telling how I felt and I was worried about his behavior and the link to abuse. I told him how overall unhappy I felt for a while. I don't think I'd ever told him that I was unhappy.

He told me the only reason he said he wanted to move out and that he was sick of me was to get me to stop following him around and yelling at him. He didn't really mean it and he was sorry. I know that sometimes people say things they don't mean when they are upset and I had a feeling this was what he was doing and I was right. It's always likely that people do yell out how they really feel when they're mad.

So, we didn't break up, but I layed everything down and he knows how I feel and what is acceptable. I didn't want to leave him in the first place, but at the time I felt like I had no choice. I guess it's not good to jump to conclusions until you talk to the person. Dan said that he would never physically harm me and was insulted that I would think that he would. I didn't really think that he would have hurt me, but all those women on WW kept saying that throwing things WILL LEAD TO ABUSE. I think every individul case is different.

We'll see where this goes and I hope that we never have a fight like this again, but there are definitely some things we need to work on.

Thanks for your support and being there for me, Amanda, Beth, Jen, and Michelle. :)
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kissy
Apr. 9th, 2007 @ 03:53 pm Being real.
Current Mood: confused
I finally broke down and called Heather. There's just too much going on in my head and I needed to let it all out. I talked and she listened and she didn't give advice based on the advice that she doesn't like Dan. She just based her information off of other talks we've had about him. Yes, I make excuses for him. No, I'm not happy. No, I haven't been happy for a long time. I finally admitted outloud for the first time that I don't think we're right for eachother. I've been living off of the dream that was the first 6 months of our relationship. It hasn't been like that for over a year. I guess I was just hoping it was revert to that. *sigh* I guess my only hope is that he is actually gone when I get home and that I don't have to ask him to leave.

I really think it's over and I'm scared. I thought he was the rest of my life, but I guess he's not and the 2 year curse remains.

What's the two year curse you ask? Steve and I broke up in August. It would have been 2 years in October.

Andy and I broke up in November. It would have been 2 years in December.

Dan and I would have been together 2 years in May.

*sigh*
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kissy
Apr. 9th, 2007 @ 01:45 pm Scared.
Current Mood: scared
I posted yesterday's incident on the weight watcher message board and everyone's telling me that throwing things out of anger is abuse? I've never heard that before. He didn't throw it at me. I think he just did it as part of a tantrum. I tried looking up abuse on the internet and there are a few things that red flag abuse, like walking on egg shells as to not upset him. Throwing things didn't really show up that much. It was usually him throwing things at her, which he's never done.

The passive aggressive silent treatment is bad though.

Am I just supposed to ask him to leave? It can't be that easy. Why can't we talk it over, work it out?

What am I supposed to do? I don't really have anyone to talk to. I don't want Heather's advice because I don't think she really likes Dan. My mom always takes my side even when I'm wrong, so she's no good. I just don't really have anyone that I feel really good to talk to about this.

Beth, will you email me? duncanz@ccf.org Maybe an unbiased party would be good. I think all the woman on weight watchers are man haters.

You're not supposed to just leave your partner every time the waters get rough. :(
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kissy
Apr. 9th, 2007 @ 08:47 am Not so happy easter :(
Current Mood: depressed
So, yesterday started out fine. I had a wonderful night's sleep. No disturbances. I woke up at about 9:30 and took Henry out and then I watched American Beauty on tv.

Dan woke up towards the end and came out into the living room. I was painting my toe nails. Henry jumped all over him. He ran around and barked happily. Dan asked me why I don't great him in such an excited way in the morning? Why? Because I'm afraid of him when he first wakes up. He's usually grouchy and doesn't want me to touch him. He would push me away if I tried to cover him with hugs and kisses, but it's okay for the animals to do it. He wanted to watch the Pride fights that had been uploaded overnight and asked me I could turn the tv down since the movie was almost over. I said I would, but he couldn't complain about me painting my nails (he hates the smell).

He turns it on and complains that it's in Japanese and there are no English subtitles or voiceover. I wasn't really paying attention to the fight, but he made a comment about how something didn't make sense and he couldn't believe that so and so had lost. I asked what he was talking about. He said it didn't matter because I wasn't watching the fight and it wouldn't make sense to me. Fair enough. Then I ask him some other question about the fight. Apparently my questions are annoying and he tells me to shut up. I hate being told to shut up, so of course, I don't. Then I figure if the fights are in Japanese then he can turn the sound down some and I can watch TV too. He won't and I keep asking him and he gets more and more mad. He said that I'm being this way on purpose to annoy him, but I'm not. I just don't think it's fair for him to be able to watch what he wants to watch and for me to have to watch the muted TV just because he's awake. Why should my day end once his begins?

So this goes on for a few minutes and finally he rips the computer cords out of the wall and walked into the hall. I follow him, trying to explain my position. He doesn't want to hear it and maybe I should have just let it go right there because he continues to boil over and throws his coffe cup against the wall. It breaks and coffee goes everywhere. He starts slamming doors and acting like a madman. We continue yelling at eachother and he tells me that he's sick of me and he doesn't want to live with me anymore. He's been sick of me for a while and has been wanting to leave.

I'm in shock. He walks away and I start to clean up the coffee. I don't cry right away until the words really sink in. He's been wanting to leave for a while? Why didn't he tell me this? I turn hystarical and start to have a panic attack. I look for something to cut myself with. I wish for something to take away the pain that's racing through my body. I go in the bedroom with Henry and I put my face in a pillow and scream like I've never screamed before. I do that 2 or 3 times. I feel a little better. I cry for a little while. I can hear that Dan is in the shower. I finally calm down.

I take 2 ativan and take Henry outside. I figure 2 ativan will put my down for a good portion of the day and if I take Henry out before it takes affect then I can stay in bed most of the day without having to see him.

I fall asleep around 1:30 and wake up at 3. He's still not talking to me. I eat some lunch and go back to sleep until about 7. We still didn't talk when I woke up. I asked him if he still wanted to leave me and he knodded his head yes. :(

I don't want him to leave, but if he wants to leave, I'm not going to stop him. It's not like I could anyway. I'm kind of thinking that once he's not mad at me anymore, he'll get over it and stay, but I'm not for sure about that. I'm not even sure if I want him to stay. We need to have a talk.
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kissy
Apr. 5th, 2007 @ 09:30 am I suck...
Current Mood: disappointed
I suck because I'm totally off this weight loss wagon. I don't feel motivated right now. I was feeling really good about everything before I went to Seattle. Then Heather and I ate out at like ever meal and I did not make good choices. I did exercise Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, which I was proud of myself for, but I just am not in the mood to prepare healthy meals or make good choices. I want to drive through places and have my food served to me. I also seem to get this way when we are low on groceries because how can you make a good choice when you have no choices? I was really hoping to be down about 20 pounds by the time we went camping next month, but unless something falls into place this week, that's not going to happen. The weight watcher people say to just keep plugging away because doing it half assed is better than not doing it at all.

I'm also mad at myself because I have a test today that I didn't know about until Tuesday because I skipped class on the Thursday before spring break. I'm not motivated to do school either. What's wrong with me?

The only positive thing I have to write about is my trip to Seattle. I had the best time. Before I went out there, I wasn't even that motivated to be friends with Heather anymore. It had been so long since we'd seen eachother, even though we were talking about ever other day on the phone, but I felt like I had less and less to talk to her about. I was annoyed with her for some reason and was tired of hearing about her trials and tribulations. I didn't know any of the people she was talking about and I was just overall souring. I wasn't even that excited to see her until a couple days before. After I got there, that all changed and it was like we'd never been apart. We laughed and I can't remember the last time I had such a good time. I met some of her friends and we went fun places and ate good food. I'm glad that the trip ended on a positive note...now if we could just say the same for school and weight watchers.
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kissy
Mar. 22nd, 2007 @ 12:06 pm bleh...
Well, I have resolved the weigh in issue. Usually on the weekends I don't drink as much water as I do during the week, so it seems that I have been retaining water on Mondays and by Tuesday my weight is back down, so I changed my WI day to Tuesday, so we'll see how that goes next week.

It's much warmer today, but it's all rainy and gloomy. I'm kind of tired due to the 2 glasses of wine I had last night, but that's about passed. I had 2 cups of coffee today, so that really got me going because I've hardly been drinking it at all. I don't think I'm going to school tonight. I know I should, but I'm just so tired of losing my evening to sitting in that damn classroom. Spring break is next week, but I want it to start NOW!

My new love is step aerobics! I went twice this week and it was so much fun! I can't wait until next week. :)
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kissy
Mar. 21st, 2007 @ 11:03 am Evil, me?
You Are 72% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.
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kissy
Mar. 19th, 2007 @ 09:53 am I am the crankity
Current Mood: grumpy
Weigh in was today and I'm up for the 2nd week in a row. This has affected my mood more-so than I thought it would. I've really never "tried" to lose weight per say, but I was really trying and then I fell off the wagon. They say on the weight watcher forums that you just have to pick your self up and just keep going, so that's what I'm going to do. I don't know why I was surprised that I gained after this weekend full of food worse than I've eaten since Christmas.

Friday: Cheesecake Factory where I had a really healthy dinner and even put half of it in a to-go box like you're supposed to. Then, of course, I had my cheese cake that I ate half that night and the rest the next morning.

Saturday: Went out to dinner with Laura and Megan and was on a misson to have something bad. I don't know why, but I just felt entitled for some reason. haha So we potato skins for an appatizer and I had fried shrimp and clams and french fries. Can you say fried? haha Then we went to several bars where I had beer because I didn't want to spend a lot of money.

Sunday: Burger King for breakfast, which was sooo not worth it because I had something called a hamlette sandwhich, which wasn't very good and cheesy tots, which were just okay. Sarilyn stopped by and we had dinner at Tommy's where we split a chocolate milk-shake and I had a turkey sandwhich, but it had cheese on it and we split french fries.

It's hard to believe I was only up .8! haha
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kissy
Mar. 19th, 2007 @ 09:42 am ghetto
background-color: white;">Congratualtions! You are 10% ghetto

It looks like you keep yourself out of the ghetto and are living ghetto free. Also, you may be white.

How Ghetto Are You
Create Your Own Quiz

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kissy

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